Struggles
This past couple of weeks have been getting somewhat better for us. Probably more so for everyone else, as I am still struggling. I'm not having more bad days then good, but I think I am more effected by this than the rest of the family. Rob is still recovering, but is doing better than me. Work keeps him busy, but I know he still hurts. Men and women recover so differently when a tragedy happens. Women have these dumb brains that just put us through so many mind tricks, it's ridiculous. If I could turn my brain off for a couple months knowing that when I turn it back on, I won't be going through it all over again, I would totally do it. My brain (and myself) are my worst enemy right now.
I struggled in the beginning with worrying how everyone else was going to be and think. I felt like everyone was going to be thinking that I needed to be over this already and that I was dumb/lame for taking so long to grieve and get through this. I worried so much about what everyone else was going to be thinking, that I didn't focus enough on myself and Rob. I had a lot of my girlfriends, who I'm very grateful for, tell me that it didn't matter what anyone else thought. And if anyone did think that way or say something that it didn't matter and I should not worry about it. When I started to let that go, I really focused on myself and was starting to face the reality a little more. Which that in itself is not easy.
Some of our friends wanted us to go to Mexico with them for the 4th and we were planning on going but after talking with my doctor and Rob, we decided it was best to stay home. I wanted to go to get away, but there were a lot of factors favoring us to stay. Looking back, I am glad that I did not go. It kind of made me face the reality of what had happened and how life was going to somewhat be. I pushed through some things and feelings, that had I gone, they would have been brushed under the rug and then still would have been waiting for us when we got back. As hard as it was, it was the best thing to have stayed home.
The 4th of July had a rough start, but ended good. I had a hard time when I was getting ready for the day. I actually decided to do my hair and put a little make-up on that day. I hadn't done this since the day we went in to the dr and found out we lost our baby, so you could imagine where my brain went and the emotional breakdown. I did get through it, but I was not in a very good mood. We were hesitant about doing anything for the 4th. Not that I wanted us to sit home and sulk, but I (Rob too) just weren't ready to be around a lot of people, but we ended up going to my sisters place which was good. The kids had a lot of fun swimming and then we all went to see fireworks at this Church not too far from our house. For the past 2-3 years, we have gone there and they have always put on a great show...they did the same this year. I actually smiled and took pictures with everyone. It was nice.
The rest of the weekend was kind of rough for myself and Rob. Nothing horrible happened but we were just both in different places/feelings and that caused tension. We both don't want to fight with each other, it's actually the last thing we want to do. But, I think it's totally normal after something like this for those to get upset and frustrated when trying to cope with a loss. With all that has happened, we're trying to be "normal" and sometimes the tiles just don't lay in that straight path as we hope it would.
I was feeling as though he was more of in a "normal" state and was acting like nothing happened and I was still grieving and struggling. Turns out, he's still grieving pretty hard, but is dealing with it internally and doesn't want to talk about it because he's still emotional about the whole loss. Broke my heart and I felt like crap for thinking he had just gotten over it and he was still hurting. He said That work keeps him really busy and it doesn't really allow him to "think" about it all day long. Where, I am at home and have more time for that brain of mine to think about it. I felt like we were disconnected and it was harder for me to not fully understand why we weren't grieving and going through the emotions the exact same way. He also expressed to me that it would help him more to know if and what I am having a hard time with...I of course felt like he should know, as if he can read my mind and all, but in reality, I should be and now am telling him just how I am feeling or why I'm having a rough day. It definitely helps us in the communication department...totally beats the hubs trying to figure out what's up with the wife all day long and not knowing the real reason...
We had a really good long talk about things and are pretty much on the same page again. We both apologized and spent time together. It just sucks that after you have a loss, whatever that may be, that there can be so much tension and the potential of other problems to occur. I am just thankful that Rob and I cannot be mad at each other long and we usually resolve our issues fairly quickly. And we both know how to work together and love each other so much that we won't allow us to fall apart. We have been together for almost 14 years and have been through more than the average couple goes through in a life time, that we know we can get through anything.
On Sunday the 6th my BFF, Sarah, and good friend, Jaime, planned a day at a resort to sit by the pool, relax, talk, eat and drink with no interruptions or kids...just awesome girl time. And it really turned out to be a great day, something I really needed. Just to semi-clear my head and hang out with the girls. Very therapeutic. I still couldn't swim as I wasn't cleared by my doctor yet, but I was able to hang by the pool (I did dip in once, it's too hot here to not to!) and we just really had a great time!!
After that my week started to look up. I ended up having a couple days in a row that were good. On Tuesday I had lunch with some co-workers. Not to work, just because they wanted to see me and see how things were going. Plus we had another co-worker, Tonya, that was in from one of our branches in ND, and we both wanted to see each other. It was nice to get out of the house and see them. And then that night, there was an event at the Dbacks game for our lending staff. This was planned before I was on leave and they asked that I still come. We also had another person in town from ND, that I was able to have a great talk with and am forever grateful for his support and our conversation. I just love how caring he and the rest of my co-workers/bank have been during this entire time, it's made it a lot easier to recover without all the pressure.
They say time heals all wounds. It may not heal it completely, but the time is making it better. Here's to making it a little better.
I struggled in the beginning with worrying how everyone else was going to be and think. I felt like everyone was going to be thinking that I needed to be over this already and that I was dumb/lame for taking so long to grieve and get through this. I worried so much about what everyone else was going to be thinking, that I didn't focus enough on myself and Rob. I had a lot of my girlfriends, who I'm very grateful for, tell me that it didn't matter what anyone else thought. And if anyone did think that way or say something that it didn't matter and I should not worry about it. When I started to let that go, I really focused on myself and was starting to face the reality a little more. Which that in itself is not easy.
Some of our friends wanted us to go to Mexico with them for the 4th and we were planning on going but after talking with my doctor and Rob, we decided it was best to stay home. I wanted to go to get away, but there were a lot of factors favoring us to stay. Looking back, I am glad that I did not go. It kind of made me face the reality of what had happened and how life was going to somewhat be. I pushed through some things and feelings, that had I gone, they would have been brushed under the rug and then still would have been waiting for us when we got back. As hard as it was, it was the best thing to have stayed home.
The 4th of July had a rough start, but ended good. I had a hard time when I was getting ready for the day. I actually decided to do my hair and put a little make-up on that day. I hadn't done this since the day we went in to the dr and found out we lost our baby, so you could imagine where my brain went and the emotional breakdown. I did get through it, but I was not in a very good mood. We were hesitant about doing anything for the 4th. Not that I wanted us to sit home and sulk, but I (Rob too) just weren't ready to be around a lot of people, but we ended up going to my sisters place which was good. The kids had a lot of fun swimming and then we all went to see fireworks at this Church not too far from our house. For the past 2-3 years, we have gone there and they have always put on a great show...they did the same this year. I actually smiled and took pictures with everyone. It was nice.
The rest of the weekend was kind of rough for myself and Rob. Nothing horrible happened but we were just both in different places/feelings and that caused tension. We both don't want to fight with each other, it's actually the last thing we want to do. But, I think it's totally normal after something like this for those to get upset and frustrated when trying to cope with a loss. With all that has happened, we're trying to be "normal" and sometimes the tiles just don't lay in that straight path as we hope it would.
I was feeling as though he was more of in a "normal" state and was acting like nothing happened and I was still grieving and struggling. Turns out, he's still grieving pretty hard, but is dealing with it internally and doesn't want to talk about it because he's still emotional about the whole loss. Broke my heart and I felt like crap for thinking he had just gotten over it and he was still hurting. He said That work keeps him really busy and it doesn't really allow him to "think" about it all day long. Where, I am at home and have more time for that brain of mine to think about it. I felt like we were disconnected and it was harder for me to not fully understand why we weren't grieving and going through the emotions the exact same way. He also expressed to me that it would help him more to know if and what I am having a hard time with...I of course felt like he should know, as if he can read my mind and all, but in reality, I should be and now am telling him just how I am feeling or why I'm having a rough day. It definitely helps us in the communication department...totally beats the hubs trying to figure out what's up with the wife all day long and not knowing the real reason...
We had a really good long talk about things and are pretty much on the same page again. We both apologized and spent time together. It just sucks that after you have a loss, whatever that may be, that there can be so much tension and the potential of other problems to occur. I am just thankful that Rob and I cannot be mad at each other long and we usually resolve our issues fairly quickly. And we both know how to work together and love each other so much that we won't allow us to fall apart. We have been together for almost 14 years and have been through more than the average couple goes through in a life time, that we know we can get through anything.
On Sunday the 6th my BFF, Sarah, and good friend, Jaime, planned a day at a resort to sit by the pool, relax, talk, eat and drink with no interruptions or kids...just awesome girl time. And it really turned out to be a great day, something I really needed. Just to semi-clear my head and hang out with the girls. Very therapeutic. I still couldn't swim as I wasn't cleared by my doctor yet, but I was able to hang by the pool (I did dip in once, it's too hot here to not to!) and we just really had a great time!!
After that my week started to look up. I ended up having a couple days in a row that were good. On Tuesday I had lunch with some co-workers. Not to work, just because they wanted to see me and see how things were going. Plus we had another co-worker, Tonya, that was in from one of our branches in ND, and we both wanted to see each other. It was nice to get out of the house and see them. And then that night, there was an event at the Dbacks game for our lending staff. This was planned before I was on leave and they asked that I still come. We also had another person in town from ND, that I was able to have a great talk with and am forever grateful for his support and our conversation. I just love how caring he and the rest of my co-workers/bank have been during this entire time, it's made it a lot easier to recover without all the pressure.
They say time heals all wounds. It may not heal it completely, but the time is making it better. Here's to making it a little better.
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