This week.

Things are still sad and very different around here.  No one said it was going to be easy, but boy do I wish it was going to be quick. 

On Saturday, I had a very rough depressing day.  I can't pinpoint what specifically put me in my mood, obviously all that has happened, but from the moment I woke up, I pretty much hated the world.  Rob suggested that I take off the leggings that I had been living in for days and put on some regular clothes in hopes it would make me feel better. (Don't worry, I have showered every day, just enjoyed my leggings).  It did briefly, but I still had it out for the world.  I really didn't want to do anything or eat, just wanted to do nothing and be with no one.  I attempted to go to lunch, but I was not the best company.  So when we got home, I kept to myself and then I took a very long nap.  When I woke up, I felt so much better.  I actually got up, took a shower and even dyed my hair.  We even stopped by our neighbors house for a little drink before they started playing poker.  We had a good time, but we didn't last long...we're both just not ready to be around bigger groups of people. 

It seems that nights and mornings are my hardest and a lot of my feelings and behavior is worse when I am overly tired.  I tend to struggle more with the whole situation when I'm tired.  I haven't really been able to fall asleep at a decent hour.  I have a slight anxiety feeling when I am trying to fall asleep, nothing too bad, it's more my mind that just keeps going and I have a hard time relaxing until about 11:30pm/12am or later...which then makes the mornings harder because I am so tired.  Thanks to my BFF, I am hoping to get more sleep from trying "tart cherry juice" because these late nights are ridiculous.  I also think some yoga would be good...so as soon as I get cleared, I think I'll be adding yoga to my life.

Speaking of my BFF...I really can't thank her enough for how great she has been.  She too has suffered two miscarriages.  And even though hers were earlier than mine, she fully understands how shitty this all is and has seriously been there no matter what...even my a million random "this too is why miscarriages suck" text messages.  She even got me out for some drinks and then a little pampering with a mani/pedi.  I love her so much and am beyond grateful for all her support and friendship.  She truly is amazing :o)

The things I struggle with the most right now are not knowing why, all the physical side effects that aren't quite done, having some restrictions due to child birth, and the major empty feeling I have inside.

I wonder everyday, why us?  Rob and I have been thru more over our 13+ years together than a lot of people will go through in a lifetime.  I'm hoping that will change, I'm hoping we get a break from the craziness and are able to live super happy lives.  You know, everything was going just fine with the baby, I wish the reason that Rob and I lost our little guy was made clear to me.  It would help a lot with this recovery stage.  I do know why as in what they believe was the cause, but I am struggling with the reasoning behind all of this.  And also, when or what really caused all of this, my mind has been racing this past week trying to figure it all out.  Although, Rob has been reminding me that I shouldn't be looking for the reasoning or place/person to blame, that it won't do any good.  I try, but I'll be honest my brain doesn't know how to stop thinking about it.   

Right now, I would do anything to have him back in my belly.  To be finalizing what we were going to do for living arrangements for the kids would be, boys sharing a room again or if he would be bunking with which brother, worrying about whether or not I would be ready to have Thanksgiving dinner with a newborn, as it's my favorite holiday to host, wondering when we were going to travel next, getting excited about family and friends coming down to visit in November & December just so they can see the baby...all kinds of stuff like that.

There have been more happy days just some bad, rough moments that stick out more so than the good things/days.  I haven't been to any counseling just yet...it's on my agenda, but I am feeling a little better this week then last.  Now there is some guilt with feeling better, but I am working through it and hoping that the counseling will help too.  Some may think that counseling isn't the way to go, but for me and my constant brain, I think it will be a good thing. 

So here's my week in pictures and words... It hasn't been the worst, but not the best. 

As sad as all of that sounded above, it really hasn't been all that bad.  There have been some good moments, some laughter and smiles.  Rob has been bringing his usual comedic self to light when things are gloomy and the kids have been making us smile too.  They have been a little hard, but we made a deal that if they be good I won't be so mad and yell...since we made that little pact, things have actually been better!  I too have been keeping myself very busy...Right now it's what gets me through the day. 

The kids and I did a cute little craft for 4th of July and made these shirts...they had an absolute blast painting their hands which then turned in to a major painting showcase :o)

I love how happy and proud they all are...makes being a parent so worth it...

Now this whole recovery thing does tend to be a lot harder when you receive certain things like this in the mail...

Now, I know it's not Targets fault nor is it Parent's Magazine's fault, but I feel that should just know that we don't have our baby any more and they should just cancel our subscriptions without me having to call.

Or when you have to go in to your doctors office so that you can get your FMLA paperwork filled out and there are so many pregnant people there.  No offense to any of the mother's in there, it was just hard going in and since the last time I was there, was not good.

 

And when you still have to take those prenatal vitamins despite the loss...my dr wants me to take them for at least a month. Boo.

 

But like I said, I have been staying busy so that really has been helping.  I (with the help of the hubs) rearranged our bedroom.  We had a very big empty spot in our room, right when you walked in, which is where the baby was going to be that I just couldn't see any more.  So now the tall dresser and tv are there instead and I'm hoping to find a cute chair to go next to the window to fill up the space.  And now are bed is on the other wall, which that wall needs some décor, but our room feels so much bigger now.  We both really like it, but I'm pretty sure Rob is not a fan of all the shopping and decorating that I need want to do now.

Both of the boys rooms got re-arranged as well and they think it's so cool!  They really like that they have space to actually play in their rooms.  Both rooms need some décor as their walls are very very empty...again, sorry to the hubs but I may be shopping soon.  Kaila's room will be next, hopefully this weekend when Rob has time to move all the furniture around.

 

And speaking of the hubs...I really don't know that I could have gotten through all of this or continue to do so if he wasn't around.  I haven't really wanted to be around other people or do a lot outside of our house/family, actually we both haven't, but he has been by my side every step and feeling of the way, and hasn't complained.  I know he is still grieving and going through all of these changes too, but he has been absolutely wonderful to me and is so caring.  He's been my rock through all of this. He has a heart of gold and there are not enough words to say how great he's been.  To be grieving over such a loss and then picking up the pieces and his broken wife is something he should never have to go through, but I am grateful he is here and love him more and more each day. 

My dining room has turned in to a catch-all which is starting to drive me nuts and is a hot mess...there is no eating at the table right now...

With the dining room and upstairs I might add, being so cluttered, I've started cleaning like a mad woman and am trying to become more organized...

Got this new mop which has been in the box for months.  Tried it out the other night and it actually did a really good job...as seen on tv buy, who would have known?

For those that have seen the front of my fridge recently, will know that this is so clean looking.  It was covered in all kinds of stuff so I cleaned it all up...inside too.  I will admit, I've been stuck in the month of June so my goal is to go to July tomorrow :o)

I swear you could eat off this bathroom, it's so clean... It took hours and I most likely was high off of all the bleach fumes, but dang it's clean and I'm pretty proud of myself for all the hard work.

And another project is to fix that drawer that is broken and decorate this bathroom...again, my apologies to our bank account and hubs.

I bought this new calendar for myself and then one for the kids to help learn more about the days of the week, months and keep us organized as my brain is a cluster at the moment...

The boys love this calendar and ask me every day what day it is and get excited when I call them over to do the calendar so I will be changing it to July to keep them happy :o)

No picture, but I have been wearing normal clothes and wearing some jewelry lately.  And like I mentioned before, I dyed my hair...not wearing makeup or doing my hair just yet, but I'm getting there.  Baby steps.  I'm slowly getting myself back on track and that does feel good.  Probably going to get the hair cut next and then I'll take a picture :o)

And the BEST addition to the house that was purchased this past week is this huge jar.  Rob and I like to refer to it as our Hawaii Jar.  Yes.  We ARE going to Hawaii again, don't have a date but you better believe we'll be filling this baby up as fast as we can...

Now I know all those things may seem little and not important, but they're big at this moment.  Each day has it's moments, but it does get a little easier.  I know there are so many more things that may be more important but this is where I'm at.  I am very glad to have this time off to figure this all out in my own time and speed.

So here's to a better week with moving forward and being happy!