Our Little Angel

By Ashley Majorek - June 17, 2015

I can't believe it's already been a year since we said goodbye to our little man.

This past year has been anything but easy in regards to healing and moving forward. It's been a real testament of faith, strength, love, happiness and relationships. I feel that we've been tested beyond what I can handle, but somehow we made it through. I don't know that we passed, but we made it.

For the most part, the days were fine. Occasionally, I'd have a moment here and there, but this last month was the hardest. It was like I was going through every step and emotion all over again. The anticipation to the anniversary date {June 17th} was as if I had someone pushing on my throat and lost the ability to breathe.

Thankfully for my sanity, I still see my therapist every so often, usually just when I need her. I went a while without going to her and then as the anniversary date got closer, I felt the need to meet with her and I am so glad I did! Sometimes, it's just to great to let it all out. Believe it or not, I have not actually cried in front of her (or other people, family and hubby included lately), apparently I feel the need to be strong and not let it out. Well I totally started to cry and had her eyes welling up. It's just been such a long, tiring, highly anticipating month and I just want it to be over. And honestly, I'm just sad.

I have already been through and felt the horrible, gut wrenching feelings last year so I don't know why my brain feels the need to relive every. single. moment. all over again. It's dumb and doesn't feel good. They say the first year is the hardest, let's hope so because it's been a rough year in this department.

I wanted to do something special to remember our little guy and so to help the little ones understand why we are remembering him. So, I decided to celebrate him and had a sweet, cute little baby blue cake made for our little angel. We went to the mountains, had some cake for breakfast and did a little hike. When we arrived, Tyson jumped out of the car and sang Happy Birthday to all the angels, so incredibly sweet. It was perfect. My heart hurt because I so badly wanted him to be with us, but it was a perfect morning, even when we got a little lost when someone who shall remain nameless went off trail :o)

We then had some lunch, went home, then Rob and I laid down and watched a movie while the kids chilled and watched some tv...yes we were bumps on a log that is, until I couldn't sit around any more and left to do some shopping, Target always makes things better :o)

After dinner, I decided to go to the Healing Garden at Mercy Gilbert Hospital. The day we had Jaxton, we had walked around it while we were waiting to deliver him to help pass the time. It wasn't very fun then, but tonight it was so incredibly peaceful. I went late and didn't get home until after 11pm. I finally was able to let go and have a long good cry, it felt so good to get it out and finally that darn lump in my throat went away. I just walked around, sat by the tree, listened to the water features and then laid down on a bench and listened to some music all by my self and it was a perfect way to end the night.